Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Two lines

That very day when I saw two lines - the two lines that either one would usually dread or would be thrilled about. I remember feeling very 'in between', unsure, nervous and…. selfish.

The first thing that came to mind was about how I had all these plans in place and how I may have to stall it now that circumstances have changed.

Slowly, that feeling turned into excitement. It started feeling surreal.

After all, it was a chapter that I had planned indefinitely, just that I wasn't prepared at this juncture. But then again, they say that you can never ever prepare yourself for this.

Many have commented on how the timing was just so perfect because I just quit my job and I had the luxury of time to relax and take it easy. I thought that I could enjoy my spare time, travel, etc but things surely did not go as planned.

I had to cancel my Japan trip because I was suffering from really bad morning and evening sickness but yet I didn't know what to tell my friends because it was too early to reveal my pregnancy then so I came up with the lamest excuse - that I was afraid of earthquakes (as there was an earthquake a few days prior to our trip). Most people would give me a wtf look whenever I said that and tried to reassure me that earthquakes always happen but it should be safe. LOLOL.

The Japan trip that I had initially planned was supposed to be one of my highlight trips of the year. Meticulous planning was involved with the list of restaurants and directions all prepared. It was the trip that kept me going during the 3 months of resignation notice being served - it literally was like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that I was SO looking forward to. . . . that sadly, turned to dust in the end. We had to burn our tickets T_T

I have never experienced feeling nauseous throughout the day in my entire life. Even with food poisoning, a full blown puke session is way easier to manage than lying in bed all day just feeling absolutely sick. With or without food in my stomach, the nausea would still be there to stay.

The thought of food made me real sick. My appetite started waning in Week 6. One day I woke up and all I felt was a whole load of air in my stomach…and that's how everything just started going downhill.

Eating was extremely difficult. Honestly, whenever I look back at the pictures of the food on my Instagram during the period where I was sick, half the time I felt really sick eating the food I ate (no matter how good it tasted).

Just for the record, it didn't taste 'good' to me - because I just felt SICK!

I remember that I told myself at that point in time that I will never take a good appetite for granted ever again. Food just wasn't the same for me anymore - and especially for me, I love my food! I love dining out at new places. But this time around, it's like - 'none for me, please'.

And the worst part of it is that, I would feel nauseous and hungry at the same time. My stomach would be crying out for food but yet I had to feed myself despite knowing the after effects - of just feeling incredibly sick. It was torturous indeed.

I tried my level best to 'motivate' myself to eat by eating foods that I used to like eating - pizza, KFC, nasi lemak, chicken rice, etc. But nothing works - I'll just feel like shit after that. The constant burping and acid reflux… bwarghhhh !!!

Believe it or not, when I was watching AFC on Astro, the sight of food on TV made my stomach churn.  I had to switch channels.

Alot of thoughts and smells could trigger my nausea - even from the smell of our kitchen, detergent, Mike's cologne, my facial wash, raw food smells - ie. chicken & fish.

Going out to the malls was dreadful for me - not knowing what smells would come my way. Walking past a cologne promotional booth would make me gag. The smell and sight of raw fish or meat in the grocery shop would make my stomach churn. It was bad.

People have been wondering what have I been up to now that I'm not working.

I have honestly been hibernating. I get bouts of overwhelming fatigue that I can't even fight off mentally.

Imagine sleeping for 8 hours throughout the night, waking up feeling hungry - wolving down a bowl of cereal and milk and the next minute, I'm sound asleep in bed for the next few hours again until lunch time and after lunch, I come home and nap again. I sleep at least 10 hours a day nowadays.

That's pretty much my routine. A walrus in bed.

My first trimester experience made me realise how working pregnant women are indeed superwoman. I have no inkling on how they manage to make it throughout the day…but I do know that as much as there are a lot of women who experience sickness, there are a lot who don't even have an inch of sickness. SO LUCKY.

The last 2 weeks of work was really hard for me.  It was around Week 6-7 of my pregnancy.

I was dozing off in front of my desk. Walking to the office was an arduous task of battling smells and nausea. I would be half asleep while driving back home after work even though I left work at 5.30 p.m.  on the dot. I was totally drained of energy despite not doing anything.

I felt entirely useless. I felt miserable. I was feeling so down. And I was so worried that I would have to go through the 9 months feeling like that (because I've heard of some horror stories of how some other pregnant women had to endure the sickness throughout the 9 months)…..

…..but thank goodness, now that I'm in my 14th week of pregnancy, the symptoms have tremendously improved!

I'm starting to feel a little more like my old self once again. I think that I can finally meet up with friends again. Phew.

I honestly thought that during my first trimester - this is it - I'm officially becoming a social recluse. I had to literally push myself to get out of the house to meet up with friends a few weeks back. Even bathing was an ultimate chore for me back then because the smell of the shampoo, body wash, etc would make me sick.

Counting down the days :)

No comments: