Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Two lines

That very day when I saw two lines - the two lines that either one would usually dread or would be thrilled about. I remember feeling very 'in between', unsure, nervous and…. selfish.

The first thing that came to mind was about how I had all these plans in place and how I may have to stall it now that circumstances have changed.

Slowly, that feeling turned into excitement. It started feeling surreal.

After all, it was a chapter that I had planned indefinitely, just that I wasn't prepared at this juncture. But then again, they say that you can never ever prepare yourself for this.

Many have commented on how the timing was just so perfect because I just quit my job and I had the luxury of time to relax and take it easy. I thought that I could enjoy my spare time, travel, etc but things surely did not go as planned.

I had to cancel my Japan trip because I was suffering from really bad morning and evening sickness but yet I didn't know what to tell my friends because it was too early to reveal my pregnancy then so I came up with the lamest excuse - that I was afraid of earthquakes (as there was an earthquake a few days prior to our trip). Most people would give me a wtf look whenever I said that and tried to reassure me that earthquakes always happen but it should be safe. LOLOL.

The Japan trip that I had initially planned was supposed to be one of my highlight trips of the year. Meticulous planning was involved with the list of restaurants and directions all prepared. It was the trip that kept me going during the 3 months of resignation notice being served - it literally was like that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that I was SO looking forward to. . . . that sadly, turned to dust in the end. We had to burn our tickets T_T

I have never experienced feeling nauseous throughout the day in my entire life. Even with food poisoning, a full blown puke session is way easier to manage than lying in bed all day just feeling absolutely sick. With or without food in my stomach, the nausea would still be there to stay.

The thought of food made me real sick. My appetite started waning in Week 6. One day I woke up and all I felt was a whole load of air in my stomach…and that's how everything just started going downhill.

Eating was extremely difficult. Honestly, whenever I look back at the pictures of the food on my Instagram during the period where I was sick, half the time I felt really sick eating the food I ate (no matter how good it tasted).

Just for the record, it didn't taste 'good' to me - because I just felt SICK!

I remember that I told myself at that point in time that I will never take a good appetite for granted ever again. Food just wasn't the same for me anymore - and especially for me, I love my food! I love dining out at new places. But this time around, it's like - 'none for me, please'.

And the worst part of it is that, I would feel nauseous and hungry at the same time. My stomach would be crying out for food but yet I had to feed myself despite knowing the after effects - of just feeling incredibly sick. It was torturous indeed.

I tried my level best to 'motivate' myself to eat by eating foods that I used to like eating - pizza, KFC, nasi lemak, chicken rice, etc. But nothing works - I'll just feel like shit after that. The constant burping and acid reflux… bwarghhhh !!!

Believe it or not, when I was watching AFC on Astro, the sight of food on TV made my stomach churn.  I had to switch channels.

Alot of thoughts and smells could trigger my nausea - even from the smell of our kitchen, detergent, Mike's cologne, my facial wash, raw food smells - ie. chicken & fish.

Going out to the malls was dreadful for me - not knowing what smells would come my way. Walking past a cologne promotional booth would make me gag. The smell and sight of raw fish or meat in the grocery shop would make my stomach churn. It was bad.

People have been wondering what have I been up to now that I'm not working.

I have honestly been hibernating. I get bouts of overwhelming fatigue that I can't even fight off mentally.

Imagine sleeping for 8 hours throughout the night, waking up feeling hungry - wolving down a bowl of cereal and milk and the next minute, I'm sound asleep in bed for the next few hours again until lunch time and after lunch, I come home and nap again. I sleep at least 10 hours a day nowadays.

That's pretty much my routine. A walrus in bed.

My first trimester experience made me realise how working pregnant women are indeed superwoman. I have no inkling on how they manage to make it throughout the day…but I do know that as much as there are a lot of women who experience sickness, there are a lot who don't even have an inch of sickness. SO LUCKY.

The last 2 weeks of work was really hard for me.  It was around Week 6-7 of my pregnancy.

I was dozing off in front of my desk. Walking to the office was an arduous task of battling smells and nausea. I would be half asleep while driving back home after work even though I left work at 5.30 p.m.  on the dot. I was totally drained of energy despite not doing anything.

I felt entirely useless. I felt miserable. I was feeling so down. And I was so worried that I would have to go through the 9 months feeling like that (because I've heard of some horror stories of how some other pregnant women had to endure the sickness throughout the 9 months)…..

…..but thank goodness, now that I'm in my 14th week of pregnancy, the symptoms have tremendously improved!

I'm starting to feel a little more like my old self once again. I think that I can finally meet up with friends again. Phew.

I honestly thought that during my first trimester - this is it - I'm officially becoming a social recluse. I had to literally push myself to get out of the house to meet up with friends a few weeks back. Even bathing was an ultimate chore for me back then because the smell of the shampoo, body wash, etc would make me sick.

Counting down the days :)

Saturday, July 18, 2015

The unemployed life.

My number 1 reader (a.k.a the husband) mentioned that my blog has not been updated for some time and that he misses reading my blog. Talk about obsession - he sees me 7 days a week and still wants to read my blog even though he knows almost everything about my life -_-"

Hahaha. Was just kidding about him being obsessed.

I have so many things to write about actually. So many experiences to share. So much has happened over the past few months - for those of you who know me, the biggest change apart from being unemployed is being pregnant !!!!

I'll save the pregnancy stories for another time. Don't wanna be jumping all over the place with my grandmother stories.

One bedtime story at a time :)

4 months ago, in March, I served my 3 months resignation notice.
It took me so much courage to do it, really.

I've seen most people do it effortlessly, like - here's my letter see ya screw ya
BUT I had this invisible bondage towards my "job"
and I realised that the biggest bondage was because of pride.
Money came second after that.

So about the finances bit, I managed to get it all settled - thank God for that.

I had a housing loan outstanding and honestly, if I didn't manage to sell off the property,
I would most definitely still be working until today.
But the timing was just too perfect, a buyer was found, documents were signed
and my last salary received would be servicing my last housing loan instalment.

That was the ultimate deciding factor before I decided to resign - financial commitments. Even though my "pride" was holding me back, I had to be 'realistic' and practical at the same time.

I was initially all psyched up about leaving despite my housing loan because I had an immediate back up plan (ie. another job offer). I had everything all sorted out actually.

The "push-and-pull" pride factor was an internal battle I faced -
and a very silly one as well because looking back,
it really shouldn't have had been such a big deal at all
because it isn't.

I'd like to think that I was somewhat "groomed and brainwashed"
into thinking that I was working with one of the best organisations around. HA HA.
So there was this stupid pride which led to fear of not being a "part of it" any longer.

I had another colleague who resigned a few months before I did
and she shared the same sentiments with me.

I realised how I wasn't alone with my thoughts
but I managed to overcome it over time with so many people telling me how this organisation was really no big deal (those who left of course). Hahaha.

This job was my first job and can't believe that I've been working for the same organisation for 7 years.

Most people would tell me that it's about time I left to join another organisation
but honestly, after 7 years of being in the banking industry -

I knew for certain that I needed a break from this industry
and joining another bank was definitely not something that I wanted to do immediately
so I turned down the job offer.

Also, after reading countless of articles on "When is it time to leave your job", "How can you tell if your boss is a psychopath", etc, I knew for certain that it was time to say sayonara. I needed some form of change instead of whining and complaining about work everyday.

Once I submitted my letter of resignation, that was IT!
I felt . . . liberated and free and happy.
Was sad to leave my wonderful colleagues
but I was very happy and excited with what was to come!

During the months when I was serving my notice,
there were so many instances when I knew that I had made the right choice for myself
and the thought that I wouldn't have to deal with this sh*t ever again
made me even more eager to countdown until my last day.

The only love whilst working was the love I had for the companionship and colleagues.
Everything else, was not going to be missed.

Many have asked me whether I miss work -
and my answer is a clear cut - NO.

So what have I been doing of late? I'll save that as another bedtime story.
Until then, good night!